On estrangement
My latest piece for Fairer Disputations:
Over the summer, I spoke to three mothers who find themselves estranged from their adult children. Their stories raise uncomfortable questions about what transition entails: not a constructive transformation of the self, but a destructive rejection of the self.
This attempt to eradicate the old and despised self puts every close relationship at risk. Friends, lovers, and spouses must go along, rewriting their own life histories in the process. “Affirming” photo-editing services turn little girls into little boys, and vice versa. Some couples stage new wedding photos to replace the old ones, as though they had wed with knowledge that came only later. Friends must pretend that certain experiences—the slapstick horrors of puberty, say—had never been shared, or else that these experiences were shared, even when they were not.
No one’s presence is more troubling to the revisionist than that of parents. No one’s presence is more troubling to a young person engaged in an act of self-destruction than the mother who will never see torn flesh as liberation.
Parents who have lost adult children to estrangement have been largely absent from broader conversations around gender and transition. In many cases, parents must shut themselves out of the conversation. Any hope of reconciliation with their child hinges on their silence—or on their anonymity, if they cannot keep silent.
When parents do speak, their stories may trouble even those who might otherwise be expected to understand. Many critics of youth gender transition feel uncomfortable talking about adults. Perhaps it feels more enlightened to say: Of course, adults are free to make those decisions. Then we don’t have to talk about what transition really entails, just why it’s not appropriate for children. But either transition is safe, effective, ethical medical care or it isn’t.
Either rejecting oneself is good or it isn’t.
Thank you, Eliza. This is me. Well, I am standing at the point where the ‘two roads diverge.’ After two years of not using the new name of choice and of not accepting the concept that she was born in the wrong body, the ultimatum has been given to me. I must capitulate or she will remove herself from our lives in order to protect herself. Her memory (and therapist?) has created tall tales of emotional abuse in her childhood (which was glorious with siblings who concur). I am the enemy. Dad is perfect. In her own words, it feels like her heart is being punched when referred to as female. Hearing her given name brings her to tears. Ironically, this gender ideology that has been brought into our lives, brings us all to tears. Daily.
I am realizing there is no out. No win. Any decision to use or not use new names, to accept and go along or not, is losing. It will always be a lie if I agree to the demands. And, it is like a virus. Any decision we make affects our entire family. My husband, my marriage, my other children, their spouses. At every meal, every holiday, every visit. This is it. The poisonous parasite has entered our lives. I am currently isolated in a very cold part of New England for a week while I decide which road I will take. To make it worse, if our daughter estranges due to my ‘incorrect’ decision, she takes our beautiful and joy filled baby granddaughter with her. I don’t think I can bear that pain. This is excruciating. 💔
Thank you for your beautiful writings.
I haven't seen my only daughter for three years; her sibling, my only son, abandoned me 1.5 years ago because I would not go along with her delusions. Many assume that kids who estrange themselves are leaving an abusive family. I assure you this is not the case. My children and I were very close until this evil entered our lives and ripped our family to shreds. As difficult as it is, I will continue to uphold the truth and I will not give into ending my life. I am incapable of coddling dangerous mind and body altering delusions. I refuse to rewrite the past. I love my children that much.