Internalized transphobia

Couldn’t help myself, sorry

At the outset of my graduate research, I wanted to understand how knowledge and beliefs about gender dysphoria, transgender identification, and transition/detransition are negotiated within online trans spaces and how members engage with questions, doubts, and alternative explanations. What concepts do members deploy to represent ambivalence or uncertainty? How do these concepts frame the subjects to which they are applied? How do these concepts structure, support, or complicate the search for personal identity and a sense of belonging within online trans spaces? Over time, I narrowed my focus to two key concepts, internalized transphobia (this week) and imposter syndrome (coming soon to a theater near you).

The questions members ask and the doubts they express—and the ways these questions and doubts are framed and managed collectively—offer a rich territory for researchers to explore. When a member asks questions—often about how to feel confident in their new trans identity or whether they should transition—or expresses doubts, this is an opportunity for the ‘community’ to socialize new or wavering members in line with community norms, values, and expectations. In my research online, doubts about the etiology and experience of gender dysphoria, trans identification, and the advisability of transition emerged as daily topics of conversation in online trans spaces. I believe online self-reports—which are not directed toward a particular outcome like convincing a loved one of the advisability of transition or securing a prescription—are a valuable source of insight into this population and the stories they tell about themselves online. These texts often read like autobiographical case histories, written self-consciously in what James Hillman calls the “therapeutic genre”: “that is, the story is self-reflective and focused upon the ‘problems’ of the main character.” These accounts also fill gaps in clinical knowledge, making space for experiences that patients may not air in the exam room.

The concepts of internalized transphobia and imposter syndrome surfaced repeatedly in these online spaces. These concepts were also made frequent appearances in research, clinical, and popular literature on trans identities (often with little connection to online usage, which we’ll discuss).

In online spaces, the definition of internalized transphobia—and how to differentiate internalized transphobia from other self-states, such as experiences of gender dysphoria—is a subject of much debate:

• “Internalized transphobia involves beliefs that trans people or attributes are ‘less than’ cis people or attributes. Dysphoria isn’t about being as good as a cis person but feeling discomfort with your body/presentation/etc. because it doesn’t match your internal experience of gender. I find it a bit insulting at times when people equate transphobia and dysphoria because it places a value judgement on the difficult experience of dysphoria and implies that if you just didn’t internalize transphobia you wouldn’t be suffering in that way.”

• “My internalized transphobia sounds like ‘I’m a freak’ ‘why can’t I be normal?’ ‘I wish I wasn’t trans’ ‘everyone thinks I’m delusional’ ‘I feel embarrassed that I’m not cis’ ‘I’m making this up for attention’ ‘nobody will ever want me beyond as an experiment/story to tell at a party’ My dysphoria is more of a body image issue. ‘No guys have my giant hips’ ‘I look like a girl’ ‘I’ll never pass’ When I look in the mirror despite passing 90% of the time I just see an ugly weird girl sometimes. Everything that is feminine about my body feels exaggerated and unbearable. Internalized Transphobia is ‘me vs. the world’ Dysphoria is ‘me vs. me’”

• “The way I managed to tell them apart was that internalised transphobia was hating being trans because I thought it was something bad/a personal failing and dysphoria was discomfort with being AFAB and everything that came with it.”

• “Internalized transphobia is Shane [shame] about being trans. Like if someone misgendered you, you might feel like you don’t deserve to correct them or be gendered correctly because trans people are less than cis and deserve less respect. This is caused by implicit or explicit negative trans messages in culture and is sometimes hard to shake. Dysphoria would be if the same thing happened but you felt invalidated and bad because you were seen as the wrong gender. You’re not ashamed of being trans, you’re frustrated that you are perceived in a way that doesn’t align with your internal gender identity.”

Another r/ftm poster asked for clarification about what internalized transphobia means, noting that “it kinda seems like people just throw it around at any instance of someone not liking an aspect of being trans” and observes that the term may be used to police “anything that isn’t 100% positive about transness.” A single commenter responded to this post, offering parameters for use but agreeing that “the phrase is used a bit too broadly as well”:

“i think some trans people tend to take anything not positive about transition personally because they may see us complaining about aspects of transition we don’t like as ‘ammo’ for transphobes. by labeling it as ‘internal transphobia’ you can point it away from ‘trans people sometimes have aspects of transition they don’t like’ and make the narrative ‘you don’t like these aspects specifically because of external factors you’ve taken to heart’.”

Another poster commented on seeing the term internalized transphobia applied to a diverse range of subjects, from “not wanting to appear to trans” and “being disconnected from trans communities” to “[s]aying hey guys instead of hey folx.” Someone else critiqued the concept of internalized transphobia in order to make a broader critique of the culture of “venting” and reassurance-seeking in online trans communities as potentially seeding new sources of anxiety and insecurity among other—particularly younger—community members, warning that “putting your insecurities out on the internet for others to see may have an effect on younger trans people who came to this subreddit for help and community. For example, a feminine trans guy sees a post asking ‘is it okay for trans guys to be feminine’ and sees the comments debating it, and now feels as if there’s something wrong with him. Putting your insecurities online can give those same insecurities to others.”

Members who expressed reservations about gender dysphoria, their trans identity, or the advisability of transition were frequently counseled to work on their internalized transphobia. Experiencing internalized transphobia was generally regarded as a symptom of gender dysphoria and a sign of being transgender.

Research to date tends to regard internalized transphobia as an application or extension of the minority-stress model (see Austin & Goodman, 2016, for example) or a form of internalized stigma (Rood et al, 2017). Rood et al surveyed the literature at that time, finding 11 studies linking internalized transphobia to psychological distress, decreased resilience, increased uncertainty, and “inconsistency with one’s self-concept.” The researchers then conducted 30 in-depth interviews with transgender-identified and gender-nonconforming adults in order to better understand “the experience of accepting and internalizing negative social messages and experiences about one’s identity.” Research subjects reported frequently encountering negative messages about transgender identities, “most notably… messages that labeled TGNC [transgender and gender-nonconforming] individuals as aberrations and unnatural” or “inherently deceptive.” Participants reported feeling sadness, anger, fear, anxiety, negative self-perception, and difficulty affirming one’s own transgender identification in response to negative social messages about transgender identity. One informant described how such messages “ma[d]e me question myself, and I always felt a lot of guilt, and I just felt like, ‘Why can’t I just be normal?’ Sometimes I had a lot of self-doubt. I thought, ‘Did something happen to me to make me like this?’ and ‘What if I’m really not what I think I am?’ And it was just very scary thinking like that, because it just made me feel very insecure and lost.”

Scandurra et al (2018) examined “the role of internalized transphobia as a mediator between anti-transgender discrimination and mental health.” The authors define internalized transphobia as “self-stigmatization via the internalization of negative attitudes about being transgender,” which may manifest in shame and self-hatred. Austin & Goodman’s (2016) study of “The Impact of Social Connectedness and Internalized Transphobic Stigma on Self-Esteem Among Transgender and Gender Non-Conforming Adults” found that “although social connectedness is a significant predictor of self-esteem, it does not moderate the negative impact of internalized transphobia.” Recent research posits that internalized transphobia resulted from exposure to “microaggressions” (e.g., Austin & Goodman 2016). But my findings suggest that the interaction between distressing social interactions and internalized transphobia may be bi-directional: awareness and adoption of the concept of internalized transphobia may sensitize trans-identified people to an ever-wider array of (previously neutral or even positive) experiences that then cause anxiety, discomfort, or pain.

Bockting et al (2020), the creators of The Transgender Identity Survey: A Measure of Internalized Transphobia, defined internalized transphobia as “discomfort with one’s transgender identity as a result of internalizing society’s normative gender expectations.” The researchers noted three primary ways internalized transphobia came up in their clinical work with this patient population: in the form of “intense shame and guilt about being transgender” and/or “negative attitudes” toward other transgender individuals (the researchers refer to these orientations as “vertical” internalized transphobia—directed against the trans-identified or gender-questioning self—and “horizontal” internalized transphobia, which is directed at other transgender-identifying people); in attempts to “conceal their feelings about gender and identity from others,” either by suppressing their transgender identification or attempting to “pass” as a member of the opposite sex so that no one knows their transgender status; and in the reluctance of some transgender-identified individuals to associate with other transgender people “because of having internalized society’s negative attitudes or to deny or avoid exposure of their own gender variance.” The researchers identified potential protective factors, such as “affirm[ing] [one’s] gender variance, embrac[ing] a gender identity that transcends the gender binary, and surround[ing] themselves with other TGNC people to take advantage of the available peer support and empowerment.” Respondents who scored highly on internalized transphobia expressed agreement with prompts like “I sometimes resent my transgender identity”; “Being transgender makes me feel like a freak”; “When I think of being TG, I feel depressed”; “When I think about being TG, I feel unhappy”; “Often, I feel weird like an outcast or a pervert”; “I often ask myself: Why can’t I just be normal?”; “I sometimes feel that being TG is embarrassing”; and “I envy people who are not transgender.”

But I suspect that the relationship between social connectedness, belonging, minority stress, and internalized transphobia may be more complicated than research to date has captured. The concept of internalized transphobia appears to be deployed primarily to frame, neutralize, and counteract questions and doubts about gender dysphoria, trans identity, and the advisability of transition and/or detransition. Individuals may apply the internalized transphobia frame as a way to disown or distance themselves from negative thoughts and feelings about transition. What might otherwise be understood as a dissenting or questioning inner voice can be rejected as one’s internalized transphobia: something one has a responsibility to overcome because internalized transphobia is seen as a form of self-harm or self-victimization as well as a source of potential harm to other trans people. Labeling negative thoughts and feelings about trans identity and transition as internalized transphobia provides a potent way of pathologizing doubt.

In online spaces, internalized transphobia is viewed as a kind of chronic mental affliction. Sufferers are encouraged to monitor themselves for symptoms that may indicate a resurgence of the underlying illness. In this way, internalized transphobia resembles other internal targets of thought reform, ranging from the sinfulness that troubles the faithful to the ‘bourgeois mentality’ that plagues aspiring communists. In her study of totalist groups, Terror, Love, and Brainwashing, Alexandra Stein describes how such acts of “label[ing] and provid[ing] an interpretation of the follower’s discomfort [...] thus neatly did away with it by deflecting it back on the follower.”

In some cases, internalized transphobia operates as a caveat that enables members to express dissonant, unpopular or subversive thoughts, feelings, and experiences. In online trans communities, such thoughts, feelings, and experiences center largely on themes of self-doubt about the origins of gender dysphoria, the validity of trans identity, and the advisability of transition-related interventions. By deploying internalized transphobia, posters can vent views that threaten community beliefs, then place the blame for these transgressions elsewhere, thus preserving both precious beliefs and bonds.